


Memories of life I had before…

by darkshines66



Category: Muse
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-12 03:22:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12950223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkshines66/pseuds/darkshines66
Summary: Death is always painful for those, who left behind to live with sorrow and regrets.





	Memories of life I had before…

**Nothing’s going to come close to what I had with you. I still got your face painted on my heart.**  
  
**And no one wants me, anyway. I’m too set in my ways and I need my space. I’m better off alone! I am lonely, but I know no one will be able to take your place.**  
  
And they wouldn’t, knowing how picky I was about the men I wanted to bring home with me. I knew, I held them up to a standard that most likely couldn’t be reached.  
  
Although I knew this to be a fact, I never stopped any man from keeping me company temporarily, but once I got my fill, I kicked them out without so much as batting an eyelash. I knew it was wrong as hell to force people out of my life, but again, it was for the best.  
  
My solitude had served me well growing up, carrying me safely through adolescence , keeping everyone at a distance, until you came and swept me into your Universe.  
  
But now, I went back to my withdrawal.  
  
The memories…was the only thing I was left with. During countless sleepless nights, they were torturing me with the angst, dread and guilt.   
  
They were bringing the images of you back. About the day I looked into your bright blue eyes, and it suddenly hit me that the last thing I wanted from you -was distance. About the years we spent in the total bliss of being swept with the feeling that was bigger than both of us. Or the day that we would bicker about some silly things and you would pout at me for the rest of day, until I would start kissing and tickle you, making you break into your crazy giggles and forget about the nonsense we squabbled about, falling into my arms and kissing me with the fervor, only you possessed.  
  
That plane crash wiped my life off this planet. It was this one time, that I needed to stay behind to deal with some issues, that seemed so insignificant and small now, and let you leave with the rest of the crew. The one time, I wasn’t with you as I should have been…   
  
You left me, you took my heart and they buried it with you. How it was possible for everyone to survive and only you- my life, my existence, to get destroyed? When they solemnly delivered news to me, I saw my will to live slowly slipping out of me. There was no reason for being alive, if you weren’t.  
  
Another memory struck my brain.   
  
**A smile slowly spread across your beautiful face—pink lips, narrow nose, long dark lashes, and high cheekbones. You were almost as pretty as a girl, but so very much a man. You extended your hand and introduced yourself, I took your hand with it’s long graceful fingers and…exhaled, “Hi, I’m...” I barked in laughter, snorted, and smacked myself in the forehead. “Ha! Yeah, yeah, sorry.” You shook your head, your hair strands bouncing around your forehead. “Spaced out a bit there? Nice to m-meet you…”  
** When you let my hand go, I made an effort to look as I was going somewhere, and turned around to leave, almost walking into a closed door. You were behind me and steadied me right in time, preventing more of my embarrassment.  
“Right”, I thought, “let’s make more fool of myself in his eyes!” I bit my lower lip and stole a look at your face. You were smiling at me, not making fun of my clumsiness, no, it was a genuine warm smile, that melted my heart.  
  
I inhaled heavily and swallowed tears and bitter taste of grief. I would never see those eyes again, never feel that smile, gently caressing me.  
  
Cold wind sharply pulled at lapels of my coat, the earth on your grave was covered with the thin layer of frost. Flowers from the previous visits wilted and dried away. I was sitting on the bench, deeply absorbed in my thoughts, not feeling the gushes of cold, blowing around me.  
  
You were gone, the band lost its leader, the world lost one of the greatest musicians, people lost their idol, friends lost your friendship. I lost my love and my life.  
The burning tears were staining my cheeks, cascading from my shut eyes, pooling down in my mouth. I didn’t cry at your funeral, they made it impossibly pompous:the speeches, the music, the crowd, they stole you from me again, not letting my last moments with you to be only about us.  
  
It’s been a year, since you’re gone. And still you’re here, with me, even If I’m forced to live without you. The gut-wrenching pain is gone, the dull pangs of it settled over my mind, tugging at it with the memories of the life we had. I feel like I failed you, for keep living. I need a sign, love, I need you to tell me how to go on!  
  
**“Wait, don’t leave yet.” the slim hand pulled me back into a tight embrace. “Stay the night, I don’t want to spend it by myself. I want you by my side, when we will fall asleep and I want to see your face, the first thing in the morning.” soft kiss placed to my back and a sigh, followed with soft whimper.**  
  
Your last words played in the loop in my head. You were on your way to the limo that would take you to the airport, when suddenly you turn around and smiled at me,” This flight better have some interesting movie and a lot of booze on board, otherwise, I don’t envy everyone who’s flying with me. I would make it miserable for them, not having you by my side to calm my spurts of anxieties, you know, how much I hate flying.” And I remember what I told you back,” You are the most insufferable little shit, always are and always have been, no matter how short the flight is- poor guys, I feel for them!”  
  
I let you go with those words been the last ones I said to you in our life, followed by slight wink and wave of the hand. You left laughing at my retort, not even slightly mad at me for chastising you.  
  
Forgive me, my love. I was insensitive fool. I didn’t even tell you, how much I loved you, before you left. Too preoccupied with some insignificant matters. Total twat.  
  
My love-we had it all, we rose up so high that we were bound to fall.  
  
We kept our relationship under covers, not knowing the reaction of society, the public, our fans and even the crew. It was only one person, who knew, and since the horror of your demise happened,he was the only source of some comfort for me. We were so happy,so enthralled in each other, we should’ve screamed about our feelings from the roof tops, instead of hiding in the shadows of “privacy”. And now, it was too late, I don’t want it to be known to anyone, because it will not change things for better and I’m sure there would be those, who would love to smear your name with trying to dig some dirt and making it sound shameful and disgusting. Our love, our real feelings -to be called shocking, to be dismissed by some dick heads, I would not allow for it to happen.  
  
You were so kind, so caring, so forgiving, people who didn’t know you close, thought that you were selfish and egoistic, didn’t care about anyone except yourself. They didn’t know, how loving and generous you were, that you always put the interests of your loved ones and friends before your own needs. And now, they never will. They would never get a chance to glimpse on you again, to let you show them your true self.  
  
God, I miss you so much, my soul wrapped in dark shroud of emptiness you left there. Please, please, come back to me,   
Save me from the misery that my life became without you in it!   
  
Screaming thoughts riddled my brain, hands clutching my throat   
in attempt to hold those screams inside. I dropped to my knees, placing both hands on your grave, trying to connect with you,even if for a second, and then I just laid down on it, with my ear pressing hard to the soil, hoping to hear you calling my name.I was begging for the ground to open and let me inside, to stay there, forever, with you.  
  
Two strong hands lifted me from the grave and embraced me in a tight hug. The warm, raspy voice was whispering in my ear,” Shhhh, buddy, shhhhh”, and the rough fingers started to stroke my hair in the calming motion. He was standing tall and big and was trying to warm me up, to snap me out of my nightmare. One single white rose fell to his feet, he always used to bring the one to your grave, sometimes coming with to support me, sometimes on his own. He knew my pain, he grieved too, for losing his friend, his band mate, the guy he knew half of his life and shared a lot of memories with. And he knew about us, always being the most understanding, loyal and protective of us and our love.  
He is the one left to share my mourning and my memories and keeping me from going so far. He is the one, who was there in that doomed flight, that killed you and left the rest of them surviving the crash, he was the one, carrying the guilt of not being able to save you and keep you alive. Not being able to bring you back to me. I never blamed him, knowing how hard he blamed himself already for everything that happened. It wasn’t his fault, but it didn’t stop him from accusing himself…  
  
Another memory, about other hands struck my brain,  **” Shhhh, baby, shhhh, I know…” I was sobbing uncontrollably, erratic heartbeats constricting my throat. You were stroking my back with your hands, “I know, I have been a jerk for denying my feelings for so long, playing with your heart…I love you, I always loved you, just being a blind idiot for not letting you to find out about it. You were so patient, and I used it, and now I know, how it feels to finally throw off all precautions and let yourself to love and being loved! Forgive me!” your hands pulling me closer and wiping tears from my face. Butterfly kisses to my neck, me- molding into your embrace…** the first time we had sex, I totally broke down, afraid to believe it happened and unable to tell you what it meant to me, just crying, overwhelmed by it and letting you to soothe me.   
  
I was planning on spending the rest of my life with you, getting old, retiring from the hustle of the music bizz and settling down on some Caribbean Island, spending the golden years in the company of the man I loved. You stole it from me, and now I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel that became my detested life. Because, you already reached there, leaving me behind. No way back, not in this life.   
  
I am left to live with the ghost memories of the life I had before…


End file.
